Some random thoughts, sometimes bizarre, sometimes dark, sometimes just incomprehensible!

Location: Islamabad, Pakistan

I'm an incorrigible optimist, yet a pessimist. I'm a realist, yet an idealist. I'm a dreamer, yet very practical. I'm very liberal, yet very religious. I'm an open person, yet don't share much with anyone. I love people, yet am solitary by nature. I'm too giving, yet too demanding. I'm quite broad-minded, yet very stubborn. I'm as good a listener as bad a talker.

Thursday, September 30, 2004


I was going through different blogs and found one which was dedicated to names only. Some listings were quite funny, like:

Two names I found listed in this order:
Brandi Born
Brandi Coffin
Erin X. Hale
(her parents did this on purpose)

PS:- Seems like I'm making up for the missed days ;-) Well, not really! Just found so much to write once I started. Dunno where's it coming from :-)

Happy Birthday, Nina!

Today is my oldest and bestest friend Mehreen (aka Nina)'s birthday. I still remember the day we became friends 20 years ago. I was standing in my school courtyard waiting for my father to pick me up after an exam. She came up to me and said: "Mein woh hoon" (I'm she) :-)

I said: "I know". Not many words transpired after that, but I know we became fast friends right then and there.

All through these years there has been no change in our friendship. I don't remember ever having a single fight. Though I can hardly find anything in common between us (she is sooo naive and I'd always been precocious), yet we're closer than any friends I've ever known. No matter how long has passed, even if we remain out of touch for months at times, still when we talk again we never have to pick up the pieces or start afresh, we can always start from where we left off without missing a thing.

She's one of the few constants in my life. Thanks for being there, Nina! :-)

PS:- I hope and pray that her brother, who's ill with typhoid, gets well soon; and all their worries are replaced with lots of joys. Amen!


Just thought to post a warning for minors reading this blog. I'm an adult and hence, at times, might make use of language or information strictly for adults. I do not guarantee in any way that my blog is fit for reading by minors. So please use your own discretion, without any liability on my part. Thanks :-)

PS:- This, in no way, means I'd be posting anything obscene here. NEVER. However, there might be topics, statements or words not appropriate for children.

Disappearing Act

Yes, I vanished! I warned you, didn't I! :-D After all, I'm a workaholic.

Wow! It's been whole 2 weeks. For 2 weeks, I let my thoughts come and go without taking note. At times I blocked them out; at times I didn't feel motivated enough to jot them down; at times I just didn't have the time.

I'd been wishing lately there were a 1000 hours in a day instead of 24. That way I could easily finish my work in 900 hours, I can sleep for 10 hours, and the rest 90 I can have fun. Wouldn't that be cool! ;-)

But really I DO need more than 24 hours. That's too little for as much as I do, not to mention lots more I wanna do.

Anyway till my wish is granted, let me get back to work and finish off as much as I can.

High of Today: When the adrenaline was running high coz I hadn't been able to submit my tax returns due to several screwups (sorry, can't find a nicer word) and it was the final day of submission. Anyway all's well that ends well, that's why I'm reporting it as a high instead of low ;-)

Low of Today: Got a scare when my wound from the surgery I underwent 6 months ago (myomectomy) started hurting. However it was just a false alarm, so I'm relieved and feeling much better now. Thank God! :-)

Thursday, September 16, 2004

A Secret

My English lecturer in FSc once said: "If a girl of 16 is not beautiful, it's not her fault; but if a woman of 40 is not beautiful, it is her fault."

She explained that at 16 every girl is naturally beautiful, if she's not there's not much she can do about it. But with time, our character traits start showing on our face. By the time we're 40, our face becomes a reflection of what we are - instead of the natural physcial beauty portrayed by it at 16. So if we're kind, our faces will look soft and gentle; if we're bitter, our faces will look harsh; and so on....

What do you wanna look like when you're older? Think about it!

Highs and Lows

In the movie "The Story of US", Bruce Willis' charater was fond of stating his highs and lows of the day. That seemed a nice way of expressing one's emotions.

So my high of today is the lovely weather - the clouds and the cool breezes and the view outside my study window.

My low today is the hurting right knee that I accidentally smashed yesterday. Not too much of a low, but it's in pain :-)

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Career Choice

I mentioned in my previous post that I did MSc in Applied Psychology. Those of you that know me must be wondering what I'm doing working in a computer-related field. Well, I changed my field of interest so many times.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor. When I reached high school and actually studied Biology, I hated it. The only area that I liked in it was Genetics, which has nothing to do with Medicine. On the contrary, I loved Maths and Physics. So I opted for Pre-Engineering. I dreamt of becoming a computer engineer. But seems like I was destined for something else. I fell ill during final HSSC exams and hence couldn't do well. I wanted to take the exams again next year, so that I could get grades good enough for Engineering University. But instead my Mom convinced me not to waste a year and go for whatever's available. I wanted to take double Maths and Physics in my Bachelors, but that option was not available in the only girls college in Wah Cantt (where I was living at that time). My second option was double Maths and Stats, but even that was not given to me. So reluctantly I chose Statistics and Economics. But I found Economics too dull, didn't have aptitude for it. So after a few months, I switched over to Psychology. Coz by then, as a result of self-exploration, I had found out that I had a natural flair for this subject and could excel in it without effort. So I was just being lazy, eh! ;-) Actually I wanted to make use of my innate qualities.

After doing Masters in Applied Psychology, I wanted to go to the US for PsyD. But I didn't have the finances. So instead I opted for a Post-graduate Diploma in Clinical Psychology from the Punjab University, which I quit midway as I didn't find it worth doing. I tried practising for a while, worked in a special school as counselor. But I realized that there's still too much lack of awareness about Psychology here in Pakistan and hence no scope. I felt I wasn't able to contribute anything in the field under the current circumstances, so I left. But I'm a person who believes in making best use of my circumstances and not fretting about what's beyond my control. So I kept doing small stuff. I was interested in computers and hence got involved in web stuff - though I've never had any computer education. But I'm keen to learn, anything and everything, so I kept exploring and experimenting. I started out by voluntarily assisting in editing an ezine. Then I worked as coordinator for a small web project. In early 2001, I was hired as global coordinator by a sofware development company specializing in financial technologies. I'm still with this company and have risen to the position of a Manager. I love my work, it's challenging; so I'm enjoying my career so far, and have no thoughts yet of another switchover ;-)

The reason for such multiple change of fields was certaintly not a lack of interest in the field, rather I've found myself interested in so many fields. I believe that every person is multi-talented. There are a lot of avenues one can discover. Some more, some less, but usually there are quite a few things one can be good at. So it's not necessary to focus on just one. In fact one can try all, or at least some, as long he/she can derive pleasure from any one of them.

I've always believed: Do what you can enjoy; if you can't, don't do it. There's no use of doing anything half-heartedly, coz sooner or later it'll become a drag for you. And no use of living life if you can't live it fully.


I know I vanished for 4 days. Just been lazy :-D Thought to concentrate on work fully, and didn't find time.

When I was doing my Masters (I did MSc Applied Psychology with a major in Clinical Psychology), our head of department used to say: "We spend 50% of our lives sleeping, and even during the rest of 50%, most of the time we're looking for a break and some comfort. Well, we will get eternal rest eventually, won't it help to work now?"

So true! If we analyze our lives, most of it is just a waste. Either we do nothing, or we try to do nothing, or we run after things that end up in nothing.

Think about it. Meanwhile I'll work ;-)

Friday, September 10, 2004

An Old Piece

This is one of my favorite pieces. I wrote it 3 and a half years ago. Sometimes I feel I haven't written anything later on to match its intensity.

Random Thoughts

They say time heals....
For me it keeps repeating itself....
The winds blow...
To keep my wounds afresh....
I feel my skin drying....
I see the blood flowing...
But it's all cold...
Where'd the warmth go?
Where are the hot flushes?
The laughters and the cries...
Mingle with the dead...
And become lost....
Yet life goes on......

Does it ever end?
It hasn't even started yet.
Confusion, excitement, relief...
Are they emotions?
Or are they just words?
Or pictures to see....
I watch myself live as someone else
I want to reach beyond...
And touch her...
I want to feel life...
But the images disappear...
It eludes me
I vanish into obscurity

Where am I now?
What touches me so?
What is this inside me?
Ready to explode....
It feels entrapped
Waiting to come oozing out...
Hold tight by my body...
Is it a child?
Is it a female?
Is it life?
Why are you scared?

Senses lose their presence
Wishes lose their horizons
Dreams shatter
Passions rebel
Pride falls to dignity
Who does it win?

Let's dance....
Let's dance to the tune...
Time engulfs us....
And life goes on......


Life decieves us
and we decieve ourselves
It's a vicious cycle
History repeats itself
There's so much to learn
Yet all is wasted
Efforts are futile
We start from nowhere
and end up alone
We miss the journey,
the pleasures within
and the sanctity
of our being
We strive for the unknown
tearing everything apart
Reaching out to others
that vanish without fault
Will we ever realize
where we're going
Will we ever stop
to catch our breaths
Will we ever find
meaning to it all
Will there ever be
a lesson learnt?

Thursday, September 09, 2004

A Saying...

Michael @ antiblog notes a quote worth repeating:

"It is through the truthful exercising of the best of human qualities - respect for others, honesty about ourselves, faith in our ideals - that we come to life in God's eyes. It is how our soul, as a nation and as individuals, is revealed...."

- Bruce Springsteen

Mumbling or No Mumbling

I was checking out Mumbling's ranking at Google when I found this site. The 1st poem there inspired me so much, that I'm quoting it here.

Beat Prayer for the New Millennium

I want Anne to remember the five important things.
I want a pet who does housework
a cup of lemonade
clarity before action
a checklist for morality
the courage of my voice.
I wish money was an option
dishes were an option
food was free, housing a gift.
I wish people could look at any face
and see what is familiar, what is family.
I wish the wealth was redistributed evenly
and still I had mine.
I want a new couch.
I want a home in California
five minutes from downtown Manhattan.
I want a man I can visit from time to time
who does everything I tell him to do
when I tell him to do it.
I wish I had the son that I have.
I want a publicity agent, a good mother.
I wish I was the genius for a change.

I want money, money, money, money.

I wish I was the man for one night
and my husband was the woman.
I wish the measure of wealth was memory--
that the national treasury housed the brutal battle
the shock of birth.
I wish stories were the exchange
a chicken for a story, an egg for a poem.
I wish topsoil was an historical landmark.
I wish the mother and child did not have to slam themselves
so violently apart.
I wish more of the things I learned in the seventies
still applied.

I wish my son never told me to shut up.
I wish I knew when to shut up on my own.
I wish payback for childhood was retroactive.
I wish a walking trail connected our homes.
I wish the mind was not such an ordinary animal
requiring a kick and slap to cross the smallest stream.
I wish desire was only a small dragon.
I wish my grandmother would visit again
in a dream, tell me the reasons to sing.

- Written by Patti Trimble

PS:- Again, please respect copyright and give credit. Thanks!

A Poem

I write from time to time - whenever I'm NOT lazy enough to let my bizarre thoughts pass instead of catching them - not poetry, but just random lines or verses (if you can call them verses). But lately I've been lazy :-p

Oh well! You'll get to read something from me soon.

But for now here's something written by my friend Chocolate Fudge.

Butterfly Moments
Sometimes in life you come to a point where you want to spend the rest of your life in self denial...
you don't want to accept what you feel is real and true.
You begin to fear your own words,
your own thoughts and even your own trembling heart.
Yet there are times when you don't want to deny anything!
You want to admit you feel happy,
really happy like the way you have never felt before and you want to make no effort to hide it.
Because you have no control over yourself in spite of all the realities that stare you in the face –
you feel like a little child chasing butterflies.
You know you will NEVER catch it but you love its flight,
its gait, its colors and its beauty...
and your own dance of joy at this mesmerizing moment.
You just want to capture this sight in your heart,
the memory of this beautiful butterfly forever
so you can look back and say…
‘hey you know what... I have had some crazy butterfly moments in my life’.

PS:- While copying this poem, please give credit to Farah Usman aka CC Fudge. Thanks.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Another Blog

Seeing us creating blogs, my father also got motivated and made one for himself. He is fed up with the hypocrisy in the world and wants to express his opinions on the general state of affairs in the world. I'm sure you will find a lot of serious postings and discussions on Hypocrisy Thy Name. For those of you deep thinkers out there, enjoy! :-)

Wasting Time

I've found myself spending more time here than I should, fixing small things and just playing around. Oh this seems so tempting! ;-) Whereas earlier I was afraid I wouldn't find the time or the words to post here frequently, now I'm scared I might get hooked to it :-o

Anyway it's healthy activity - for me that is; for others the overdose might cause some side-effects ;-) But then I never said this is gonna be the best thing that has happened to you :-D

And I know I'm a narcissist. But thanks anyway :-)

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

My First Associations

I couldn't think of any links to add to my blog except a couple of other blogs. My brother Zack has always been an ardent speaker and indulges so much and so vigorously in discussions and arguments that I sometimes find it hard to keep up ;-) Yet it's always interesting and enlightening to read what's he procrastinating on at the moment.

My chottee si shweet sis-in-law (other bro's wife) doesn't weep n whine as much as she's proclaiming in her blog. Though I'd been in a fix about starting a blog for long, she now became the motivating factor to finally get me going. Let's see which one of us is able to keep at it regularly now :-)

Back to work now....enough time wasted :-p

The Beginning

Ah! Finally I've moved my lazy butt (I didn't actually move ;-) ) and brought myself to create a blog. So here it is. I just hope I don't become a sloth again and keep posting to it regularly. I have a habit of not jotting down the bizarre thoughts I have from time to time and letting them pass.... I'll make a try now to catch them before they become lost in the mist, so you might hear some of my mumbling. Don't bother if you can't understand half of it, I'll keep mumbling still :-D

Have a happy day!